Portrait Demo - Chloe Doan (Part One)
I am struggling with what to write, just as I struggled with the first couple of pages in an old journal that I started at the beginning of this journey in 2013.
I wrote about the hesitation because that's what filled my mind instead of the expected (and demanded) inspirational stream-of-conciousness. I pondered. Then I wrote about why I would feel so hesitant. I found an array of excuses that blocked me from... well... expressing me.
What's so damn special to write about? I can't even scribble two and a half sentences on a greeting card, how am I supposed to express this complexity of life?
I have to.
If I don't, I will be haunted by all of those stories that I could have told, or the connections I could have bridged.
So the real start is to plow head-first through the "I dunnos" (because they don't shut up, apparently) and crash straight into doing - wherever that crash is.
it often feels like a crash.
I recently crashed. I had been running on fumes for weeks, working diligently on my modeling craft, building up my network in that realm. In the midst of my rising wave, what could be only described as a boulder that slashed the current in half, I smacked against cold, hard, rugged obstacles.
Exhaustion caught up with me and triggered some dormant symptoms of PTSD. I have been here before: trying so desperately to destract myself from past traumas that I chase my own tail. I used work, chores, exercise, driving, even spreading time with friends as an alternative to the work that actually needs to be attended to.
I checked into a hospital in Long Beach with feverishness, anxiety, nausia, heart flutters, and a
whole slew of uncomfortable thoughts. I checked out a few days later with extra help and hope.
I had time to reflect on what is needed in my soul to avoid another crash and got some valuable advice: Besides clearing-out relationships that don't recourage growth and lightening my work schedule, I actually have a safe kinetic form of dealing with the "mind fog" through painting.
So I pledge this: I am back on my creative path.
I start my new breaths with this portrait that I chose to work on using a reference photo by Saffels Photography and Chloe Doan (Sushi Monster)